Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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