Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
