In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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