He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
