it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
