Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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