im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She told me I should be a condom model.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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