I think I died a long time ago.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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