drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
