my phone needs a breathalizer
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
