Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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