i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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