I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
