Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
