In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
