my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
now i know why i became what i already was.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
