Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
