So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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