My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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