I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
