im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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