Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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