I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
