When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
