at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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