Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
