If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
