I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
