I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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