I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
