my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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