My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
