What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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