You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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