god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
