At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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