how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
