Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
