I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize