I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
