Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
