I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
