Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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