There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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