I hate your face
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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