I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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