We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
