My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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