I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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