What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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