part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
