For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
